Sometimes i feel like i have no say in the house no more. Mostly every angry opinion i voiced out will be taken into consideration, but then manipulated, twisted and delivered back in a totally different view that brings me to the point that my opinion doesnt count no more. Its hard to explain actually. Its much more complicated than that.
I am also expected to be calm and to give in, no matter the situation at all times. I can do that. Im actually so used to that, that i seem to built a wall around me that says: "I dont give a shit if you want to start a fight with me just bcos i dont give a shit. Yawn". When im in order, i would just stare at that person.. whoever that is that was trying to stubbornly argue with me.. and stuff invisible earplugs into my ears and i watch that person writhe with anger especially seeing me so collected with myself, firing me with words that they thought could provoke me, but i laugh inside. I laugh so hard and so happy bcos i know they cannot break my Bullshit Wall.
But like any other being that has feelings, they break sometimes. Those rare times.. that the wall is just dying to burst from all the hate and anger. And guess what. When i behave like a maniac, from all that angst that ive been collecting for so long, they call me.. a satan. Literally mostly. Yes, its true.
Bcos they say that the devil is an arrogant, proud bastard, full of hate for others and a selfish son of a bitch.
And so i am that. Just bcos i got angry once every 2 months. Isnt it great to be compared with satans and animals?
So if cows and goats and cats and dogs are easier to keep and more behaved than children, why not get a cow then. Why am i here, in this world, instead of a cow? Why not get a wild boar at that. Or a platypus perhaps. If it makes your life easier as you claimed it would be, why am i here?
Whats with this comparisons? Is there a competition? If other people have children that are decent, hardworking and pious out of this world, is it my fault that im not them? Why should i cover my head when i know im not ready. I know. This sentence always escapes you: Why should you wait till you're ready?
Thats simple. Bcos i wouldnt like to rip off and put on headscarves like its a game. Force myself? I thought religion shouldnt be forced?
Sometimes religious classes dont feel like so. Its more of a time where a parent can actually bash the children with sarcasm and humility. Other times im glad to have classes bcos at least i have some knowledege to share with others. But most times, i admit, its a drag.
Its like, you have problem with me, you talk to me. Not use a cover like a stupid class to give me subliminal messages and then pretending like nothing happened. Nauseating.
Ninja SB-OF
